Sympton recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, Querelous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands
I do not yearn for lovlier lands.
I dread the dawns recurrent light
I hate to go to bed at night
I snoot and simple, earnest folk
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type,
My word is but a load of tripe.
I'm dissillusioned, Empty breasted
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well
My Quondam dreams are shot to hell
My soul is crush, my spirit sore
I do not like me anymore
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse
I ponder on the narrow house
I shudder at the thought of men,
I'm due to fall inlove again.

-Dorothy Parker

Playing

When we're young we play with people's toys.

When we get older we play with eachothers emotions.

My Life.

My Life just never seems to know which way it wishes to go.

It is either brilliant, Or It's totally destroyed.

I trust people who I shouldn't trust. And I push people away who care about me.

You played with my emotions.

You are cruel.

I hate you.

One thing

One thing we should do in life, if nothing else, is love. No matter how much it hurts, how it is unrequited or how short it lasts.

Love will stay with you, then when you die, it will stay with that person, then the love you have given them, they can pass on to someone else.

Money; becomes worthless.
Beauty: becomes non lasting, the eyesight: becomes damaged.
Sounds: become worthless as ears become old and deafness takes over.
Love can stay, grow and be transported into others, it'll never dissapear.

"Nothings that bad"

Enough is that bad.

When you have had enough, it is so bad. Perhaps it may seem Over the top, to suddenly 'break down' over the slightest thing.

To Write down everything that has affected me, In the pase of 5 years, could be Far too much to right. Perhaps I AM senstive, perhaps I am not strong enough to handle what's going on around me. Perhaps I never will be, and I'm not strong enough to cope here anymore.

I am just floating around in this silly little haze unable to claw myself out of it. Wanting so desperatly to see things in a better Light. I'm trying and trying and can't seem to get myself of out it. Just not seeing an actual point.

No one actually likes me. I'm annoying, ugly, thick and sometimes quite bitchy. I wish I was a sdifferent person but I can;t change myself no matter how much I try. Even my best friend is begining to love me less, and she is all I have in the world.

Maybe I am not actually born to be here. Perhaps it would be better if I wasn't. Maybe it would all go away and I would stop people from hating me, stop people finding me annoying, and stop wasting Oxygen for people who deserve to be here.

There isn't a point.

Life frightens me. The fact I can;t grip it or Have control. I want to be looked after and protected, so I Force myself to become Thinner and thinner by doing things any doctor would be fuming at.

I'm not Ill. I'm not doing wrong, I deserve it, so surely it's not wrong?

I'm getting what I deserve.

Black and White thinking.

I've always been someone who has had very black and white thinking. It's a sympton of BPD [which My friends are CONVINCED I have :')]

But lately, even just the last few days I've began to realise things aren;t always completely black and white.

If people do something 'bad' they may have the best intentions or perhaps even be so emotional involved they make mistakes and try not to think of the consequences.

It';s hard to think 'am I a bad person for wanting this?'

But I'm not, it's always been something I have looked down my nose at, but I have never experienced a situation like that.

Never in my life, and never in my life have I even considered it.

Rioting.

Is beyond ridiculous!

If this is all for 'Getting back the government'

How is burning people's homes down doing any fucking good!

I personaly hope that they all get arrested and spend the next few years regretting what they've done, to homes, families and the economy!

Words can't describe how unimpressed I am by human being within the last 24 hours.

Stupid people having no actual reguard for the feelings of any others at all!

i shouldn't be staring like this.

Looking at them. I shouldn't want to do it again£ but I can't help it. I can't everytime something is mildly okay it goes wrong. I don't want to be here. I can't be here.  My life terrifys me that I can't handle what's going on around me.

The only thing that can save her...

Is knowing that someone for whom she cares- wants her to live.

It's 20 to 2

I've left my window open, and I'm listening to the rain. I'm so sleepy, yet my mind can't keep still. It can't stop thinking, and I can't stop crying.

I'm terrified because I don't know what I've become, I was never this person, I've grown to me someone who I would have despised several years ago.

I shouldn't even be considering what I'm considering, some stupid part of me thinks "it'll be different, it'll be okay" but I know deep down that it won't be. Nothing ever works out.  

I hate who I've become.

"It's because you don't socialise"

Are you seriously stupid enough to think I feel like this because I 'don't socialise'

Do you know how scary it is to go out 'clubbing in' to imagine every single pair of eyes looking at how ugly you are.

It's not that fucking easy, if I was I'd be over this.

I'd be okay, But I'm not. I know I'm a terrible daughter because I'm not perfect.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect, I want to be perfect, I want you to love me, I want everyone to think I'm good and kind because it's all I want to be.

But I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't be everything you want.

I'm pretty stupid.

I indeed am. I've always been told I'm too kind and sensitive to people, I let people get under my skin too easily. I let people use me for their own pleasure and leave me, even though it kills me inside, I destroy my own body and self esteem.

It's my own fault, I've always been warned to watch out for people, but like a fool I give everyone a chance. Silly me.

I've been used by someone who I thought was very close to me, obviously they had a very low reguard for my feelings, I've beaten myself up over it. Cried myself to sleep, and now I'm not depressed.

I'm incredibly angry.

Very, very angry.

This can't last, this misery can't last. I must remember that and try to control myself. Nothing lasts really. Neither Happiness or dispair. Not even life lasts very long.

Who am I?

I don;t even know that myself.

When I was younger I wanted to be beautiful, Sophisticated, clever and independant.

I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse, I wanted to look after others, I can't even look after myself.

I act younger, I feel younger, but I can only get on with people 5 years my senior, but I bore them, I'm too childish for them.

I want to be attractive, and to make friends so easily, but I lack all confidence.

I am not the woman I wanted to grow up to be. I'm still the little girl who's life is going no where.

Maybe it's all I'm good for.

Just use me.

Oh MSN,

I do wish you were right. And eating different foods stopped depression, because it's just THAT easy to stop.

Over the past couple of years I have been pretty emotionless except for a constantly black cloud of sadness. But yesterday, I felt happy, that my life was getting back on track, that I can beat this.

Then I found today, I'd be lying if I said a FRIEND. Because we weren't friends, we knew of eachothers struggles, but we were never actually friends, giving one another tips and advice and a place to scream out our thoughts on what has been controlling out lives.

But we can't anymore, because this thing has killed you.

Your not here anymore to say you don't want it to destroy you because it already has.

My thoughts are with your friends and family Lucie, and you will be greatly missed.