I feel so incredibly low right now. Below beyond belief and so incredibly isolated in such a disgusting body.
I hate myself got being like this. I hate admiting to people I hate myself for how I look. Because I am not superficial. Everyone is so beautiful except for me.
when I was at school I got called fat and ugly randomly by people who didn't even know me. I must be pretty damn ugly for people to go out of there way to say it and notice it.
Even my brother says it now.
I was told that I had something. A disorder that makes pretty people look into a mirror and see an ugly monster.
but I am an ugly person who see's I am ugly. Therefor I am not a sufferer.
Even someone I had met once told me I was ugly.
I remember when I was 4 sitting in the playground and school and looking at myself and thinking 'you are ugly'.
I have never been able to shake that feeling off.  
All I ever wanted from when I was little to be married with kids.
no one will ever want someone as revolting as me.
I couldn't live if my children ever looked at themselves and seen me everyday.
I do not want to be here.

My Hospital Appointment.

After years of suffering from 'absence' episodes.

Today my physcologist had pin pointed why they exist.

Apparently they are caused when my confidence is at an all time low.

He spent hours telling me I wasn't 'weird' looking, and that I am a perfect example of someone suffering with 'body dismorphia'. I have to see a councilor.

I will never see myself as being beautiful.

but i need to learn to accept who I am.

I may not beautiful or thin. But I can be kind and helpful to others. If I can;t make myself smile, I want to spend my life caring, and making others smile and feel they are worth living everyday.

My Life

Is so far away, from being where i've always wanted it to be at this point.

By now I wished to have a decent qualification, a boyfriend and a job.

I have none of the above and it frightens me and more everyday.

All I've ever wanted from life was to be sorted, and to have a family.

Everyday it feels harder and harder to get my life sorted out.

Not the fact I'm not there, but the wholse fact that I really havn't got a clue where to go from here.

Eugh!

My Vinegar Craving is back....

Happy Easter Everyone!

Today we celebrate the return of jesus and life in general.

Also, we celebrate the birth of animals and the spring!

Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!

Being the Racist I am...

Happy St George's Day!!

I can

Talk someone into eating.
But I can't eat myself.

I can talk someone into cheering up.
But I can't make myself feel any better

I can talk someone out of wanting to comit suicide.
But I can't make myself want to live.


I'm probably the biggest hypocrit going.

Such things I do

Just to make myself for attractive to you



I can't put into words how bad I feel today.
I'm just UGLY.  

words.

Today I got called butch
and I don't think you understand how much it upsets me.
I know I'm ugly.
I punish myself everyday.
You've just given me reasons to carry on more.
Thank you  

Blogging

From a blackberry is a total bitch!

I feel as if I haven't posted in ages

I'm not beautiful. I'm far from that
I'm not clever either.
Nor am I talented.
I'm not overly kind, I'm pretty selfish.
And when I try to help people I usualy do the wrong things.

I do, however like everyone else, Just want to be cared for like everyone else.
Apparently that's a strong trait in a cancerean.

Sometime's I feel so low and down, like no one could care. And it's thoughts like this that make me understand why I'm not thought of highly.

The Black cloud that keeps following me, my life has once again decided to take hold of me and suffocate me.
Usualy when a cloud turns to rain, things begin to brighten.
Things need to begin to brighten, before I lose complete control over everything.