If I ever fall out with a friend, I don;t blame them. I never do. I always blame myself. If I can't think about what I've done wrong, it's obviously something I don't understand.

It's never because they are a cunt, or they are a nasty person.

It's always my fault; maybe I'm annoying, not funny or too dumb for them.

Maybe I just genuinly look like an idiot.

Ugly, Horrible, fat idiot.

I don't respond well to shock

I never have.

I think i've always been pretty protected by both of my parents, which I loved.

I've been feeling slightly down this evening, I couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I rememeberd today was my Nan's Birthday, she would have been 91.

My family are Were close. We were all told she would die, she didn;t seem ill. She seemed fine.

Then one day after PE, me and my cousin went home. She wasn;t well.

She was laying on the couch.

She NEVER lay on the couch.

14 days later.

After christmas.

She died.

I was shock, extremly shocked and didn't actually feel the total upset of it until 4 years later.


I now have things happening now.

My parents don't love eachother anymore. How can that happen? How can you just stop loving someone?

How does that AXCTUALLY happen.

I havn't been well for a while.
B
SH
Depression.

But I wanted to get better.

Now I feel back in at square one.

I don;t even WANT to get better.

I don;t want to be here.

Bee Dot Pea

Quit Pretending to know what's going on in my head.

Quit Pretending to know what's going on in my head, You know nothing about it.

you really havn't got a clue about how I feel about myself.

'you've gotta stop'

Do you not think I know that??

Do you seriouslu yhink I sit there and say

"Oh; today, I'm going to constantly think about how fat and ugly I am. and think all the time about how I can look perfect like him?'

Do you think I get some thrill out of completly starving myself until I feel like I'm about to collapse.

And the fact I've dropped 4 stone and still don't feel one bit better about myself??

Of course I LOVE doing it, because it's just THAT easy to stop, I'm obv choosing to feel like this.

You have no idea how often I cry myself to sleep because I can't bare to cope anymore living in my grotesque body, and how often I refuse to go outside, avoid college just so people can't see how ugly I am.

But of course, I can control this.,

Because it's THAT easy.

I've had an Okay couple of days.

Now I've just came across a couple of pictures of him

He's so thin

And perfect

I want to be Him

Bleugh... Seriously...I KNOW i'm not clever, or pretty or funny. But I don't need remnding all the time that I'll always be last. Auntys. Grandparents. Parents. Friends. I'll always come last. There's obviously a reason; I'm not good enough.

It is sad when a celebrity has a tough time.

It reminds us they are just normal people.

But we must always rememeber, They ARE normal people.

Normal people; like friends and family and work colleagues all suffer the same upsets.

Breaks up.
depression.
Deaths
Unhappiness.

But as a society we would rather read an article how '[x] has been depressed'.

We need to sort ourselves out before pining for people we will probably never meet, we must help the people who truly need are help and can gain anything from it.

It occured to me today

That however unhappy I feel, however alone or depressed I feel, I am extremly grateful for what I have.

Over recent years I have lost an incredible ammount of people.

Yes I am sad, But I could be far worse, yes I havn;t got everything I want ot used to have, but I've got a mother who'll always love me. And a family I can rely.

Also [even though only few] Friends I can talk to.

And I have a best friend who I can trust my life with, and anything at all.

Yes, I am incredibly grateful for what I have in my life at the moment, I think I might thank god for taking away things to prove to me what I still have.

xx

It'll all pass.

I have spent the past 5 years of my life suffering to and fro' depression.

In and out and feeling alone and issolated.

Things get better,

I Make friends. I develop love. I feel happy I learn to smile.

Then they fall apart

And I lose everyone, I fall out of love and feel incredibly unhappy.

This past few weeks, I have done my best, To feel happier, to make friends, to get people to like me.

But it always fails, It never happens.

perhaps I'm just born to feel this issolated, and the whole 'partiall depression; isn;t really partial, it is infact the happiness that is only temporary.

Yes I understand my gramer is possible the worst it's ever been. To be frank I can barely see past my eyes..

I want my life back, I want depression to leave me alone, I'm sick of feeling disgusting and fat and I'm sick of what I do to myself to stop me feeling this way just for a few moments.

This isn't fair.

I want my life back again.

Long ago, the great Frith made the world. He made all the stars and the world lived among the stars. Frith made all the animals and birds and, at first, made them all the same. Now, among the animals was El-Ahrairah, the Prince of Rabbits. He had many friends and they all ate grass together. But after a time, the rabbits wandered everywhere, multiplying and eating as they went. Then Frith said to El-Ahrairah, "Prince Rabbit, if you cannot control your people, I shall find ways to control them." But El-Ahrairah would not listen and said to Frith, "My people are the strongest in the world." This angered Frith, so he determined to get the better of El-Ahrairah. He gave a present to every animal and bird, making each one different from the rest. When the fox came and others, like the dog and cat, hawk and weasel, to each of them, Frith gave a fierce desire to hunt and slay the children of El-Ahrairah.

In Other News

I#ve developed a craving for sweetcorn...
 
I don't even LIKE sweetcorn...

U-G-L-Y

I feel like Poppin' fresh...
 
Not a good look...

11 messages.

11 messages in total you have sent me.
Your so beautiful and kind why take the time to send me random messages and discuss dances with me?
Why, as just a stupid girl, Do you take the time to talk to me?

You know why? Because your perfect.

your perfect

your clever

Your Talented

Your Beautiful.

I'd kill to be like you.

the thought of never being anything like you makes me physically sick.

It makes me be physically sick.

I love you.

you shouldn't do this to me.

Can you really ever change yourself?

I've always been the same.

plain.

small.

Fat.

Short Bitten nails.

Nothing special at all.

But I decided last year, to make a change, to eat healthier, stop biting my nails, look after my appearence alot more. Put my Appearence first before anything, Health. Friendship. Family.

Maybe this was a mistake.

Dropping 5 sizes in 6 months and growing my nails long, in just over a week Iam almost back to how I was.

I feel beyond ugly.

So pig ugly I don't deserve to even be here.

I just want to lock myself away.

Maybe I was born to be, and always will be ugly.

Lack of a blogtastic life.

Yes guys, I fail to be able to keep my mouth shut, but when there's so much goijg on through my mind, I find it impossible to talk or say anything.

Truthfully, over the past 2 weeks my family life has gone from being 'almost perfect' to suddenly being ripped apart.

Someone I have trusted for so many years has destrpyed me and the rest of my family.

I think if you apoligised in the first place I wouldn't be As dissapointed in you.

But the fact that you sit, do you busness, break are hearts, then turn everyone agaisnt US?

Yes I probabaly didn embarras you, if you have an affair and I 'accidently' post it on your Facebook wall, I don't see how that's worse than yeno, destroying your wife and childrens lives?

To be perfectly honest, I am disgusted in you.

I am gratefull I have to my 'Lang' Side that I can rely on, and most of al I am happy I've got a best friend who has helped me through this.

I hope your all doing well fellow bloggers, I love you all x