Letting myself down.

I can't do this.
I need to be strong.
I
I promised you, I wouldn't so it, I have done.
I can't help it I feel so disgusting and horrible and Fat

There once was a child.
Her name was the same as a gem.
One day she thought she fell inlove.
A boy who used to be her friend.
He told her she was fat and ugly.
She cut herself, and starved herself.
She made a best friend.
She fell inlove with that best friend.
But that best friend and others made everyone turn against her.
That best friend made her feel loved then broke her heart.
She was left with no one and felt afraid.
She went to college to be better.
She fell back inlove with that best friend.
And her best friend loved her again.
But her best friend couldn't give her what she needed.
Something she needed to live.
She found someone else who could maybe give her this.
She still loved her best friend.
This someone else gave her this.
But then it broke.
She was left again with no one.
Afraid.
She wanted to die.
She tried to die.
Then the girl made a new friend again.
One she thought who cared.
This friend made her do things she didn't want to, or she'd have no one.
These things made her feel disgusting.
Her best friend saved her again.
She was better.
She thought she was better.
She wasn't.
She still isn't.
She's empty.

Wreckages

I'm in a wreckage. A dark wreckage. But I've been pulled out of worse wreckages. I've pulled myself out of far worse. I can do it. Somedays I feel like I can't. But I can.

I'm not pretending

That I'm Okay when people just decide to hate me suddenly. For no reaosn. But I'm allowed to hate who I want, therefor you have the same right. The same way I have the ight the express my opinion, the same way you do. In future, if you don't like me, don't go out of your way to be nasty... just don't talk to me.

Today I said 'I love you'

I wonder sometimes do I really make you happy? Does spending time with me, thrill you as much as you say it does. People; Whether it is friends, family or lovers, should always try and spend time together. when someone you care about always seems to case your entire relationship on timed things, it feels a bit ridiculous. It begins to feel like this bond is based souly on times, and excuses.

For once I'd like you to say, "I don't care about how long we're together, aslong as I see you". or

"So what if I'm going to be late, I want to see you" Instead the entire life is made up of "Sorry, Can't be bothered" and "I've got other things to do"

I understand I am selfish. I've never denyed that, but all I want is to feel important to someone. To feel like I'm the only thing that matters to someone.

Today I told you I loved you again, you answered "there's a cat in my back garden"

"When the world gets too heavy, put it on my back, i'll be your levy".

Questionaire thingy.

Who are you thinking about now? Panic! at the disco, and then being knobs. Who did you last talk to on the phone? Beth Probably! Who's birthday is next? I'd say if I knew what month it was! Who was the last person you told you love them? My bub Where is your phone? To the left, to the left! Where do you sleep? In a bed.... Is the last person you text cool? Sazz is amazing! (:!! What colour pants are you wearing? Black tights What is the closest item near you that is blue? ring! What do you wear more; jeans or shorts? I don;t wear either, just tights. What is the last movie you watched? The boy in the striped pyjama's Why is wood brown? Because tree's are brown? When did you last take a shower? yesterday! If the last person you kissed told you a secret, would you tell anyone? Of course not. Are you mean? Depends. Is there anyone you haven't seen in a while that you'd like to see? I hadn't seen Linzi, then I seen her, Feel like I havn't seen Ryan in Ages though, even though it's only been two weeks D:! Is there someone that annoys you but you haven't told them? Yeah! Are you happy with your life right now? We aren't happy, we have to be grateful to become happy. . Were you single on your last birthday? Nope Do you like competition? No! Do you want any tattoos? Not too fussed. Do you have any friends who's parents will no longer let them hang out with you? I hope not... Will you be in a relationship in the next month? Hopefully! What are you stressed out about? Eveything Are you stubborn? I'm too stubborn, it's not good. What was the reason you last received flowers? I can;t rememeber, Im not bog on flowers Is having sex on your mind? All the time like! What time will you be getting up tomorrow morning? Probabaly about 9;30? Have you ever slept on the floor with a person you liked? Yeah! Let's test your memory: On a bed.. When did you last cry? Yesterday Who did you sleep with last night? beth (: Are you legal to drink? Yeah! Are you the youngest, middle, or oldest sibling? Oldest Do you straighten your hair? Not now What are you looking forward to in the next 2 months? Panic! easter eggs... Money (: Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? all the ttime! If you had to have someone's name tattooed on your body, whose would it be? Jesus's's's's's's's If you're quiet it usually means; I'm going to cry if I talk. Have you cried today? No (: Who's in your house right now, and what are they all doing? Keefs cooking dinner, mums doing the Census (:. Are you afraid of roller coasters? I never used to be, Now I just don't like the fair Where do you wish you were right now? In Patricks bed... PLEASE! Do you curse in front of your parents? Yeah, they encourage it At what age do you want to be married? not sure Ever had your heart broken? Of course, we need are hearts to be broken to get them repaired. Do you look your age? I'm not sure :s

Photo #2 A picture of you and a friend you have been close with for awhile.

This is Me and My Best Friend in the world!

I tried

I tried talking to you.

"this is taking over my life"

You didn;t answer.

Not because you didn't hear.

Because you were too bothered about someone else.

I need help.

I know I need help.

Why won;t you listen to me.

I have no life.

This thing is my entire life.

The things That have annoyed me today.

#1 My Panic! CD not turning up.
-it's been delayed a week.

#2 Panic's Cd has suddenly made every 'Proper Fuckin' goff' turn into a teeny.
-Respect the band all year not just when I New album comes Out.

#3 Panic Headlining Leeds.
-See above.

#4 Every ripping into Lily allen for Years and not they love her because she had a miscarriage.
-News Flash it happens to other people too.

#5 People making Arrangments me, when really they aren;t bothered about seeing me, they just want me to sort everything out for them.
-FUCK YOU.

#6 Twats.
-you are ALL twats!

#1 A Photo of you with 15 Facts about yourself.

#1 My Name isn't Lily.

#2 I'm only 4ft 11

#3 I get far too obsessed too easily.

#4 I feel, in some parts of my life, Much older than 19.

#5 And in others I feel far younger than 19

#6 I havn't been my natural for 6 years.

#7 I love Music

#8 I'm a Qualified Hairdresser and Barber

#9 I have an addiction to Shopping...

#10 No an actual ADDICTION, I don't just like it.

#11 I'm unbelievably emotional and mentally unstable

#12 I was On TV

#13 Example came to my house for biscuits, tea and a haircut.

#14 My Best Friend is my entire world.

#15 I'm inlove with Patrick Stump.

My Saturday evening Thoughts...

Involved love, fate and questions.

We always say when we meet 'the one' it's when we see them, all them fireworks go off and we want them.

How do we know that we havn't at one point in our lives, already we have met them.

Maybe we have stood in a shop and they've been at the till as we look around for clothes to impress this 'perfect person'.

We never know what's around the corner or who is around the corner.

Such a let down.

With everything.

I make my best friend feel awful,

and I can;t even help the people so close to me.

This isn;t fair.

I'm watching **** Kill herself slowly.

It's terrifying me so much.

I can;t help her.

I'm trying, I can;t. This isn't fair.

If something happens this is all my fault.

It's boring being in control.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9olrdb7Fyg

I don;t think words can describe how amazing this guy is!

Such a lovely gentleman aswell!

No wonder I have such a fucked up view on life.

I grew up watching far too much disney and expecting happiness to just fall into place.

You have to search for your own happiness.

And you make yourself happy.

You can't be happy unless you are gratefull for everything you've got, adn the lessons you can learn from.

Everytime I think of a reason to stop...

I think of a thousand others to carry on.

Day.. what? 64 of Nausia

Yeah.

Surely Nausia isn't meant to last this long?

I'd kill for my ********'* right now.

I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy.

I'm not going to lie and say I don;t think about it every moment of every day.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't wonder why I never seem to be okay,

I'm not going to lie and say I have control.

I'm not going to lie and say I regret doing it.

I'm not going to lie and say I'll never do it again.

I'm not going to lie and say I am beautiful.

I'm not going to lie and say It made me feel awful.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm Okay.

I AM going to lie and say I KNOW I can get through it.

Because I really don't know anymore.

Just letting you all know...

I'm alive!

Time to clean, Defrag and decookie this machine!

Had an amazing few days with some special people!