Attempting to blog after such a long time!

Hello Guys!
<(
Very very sorry about my lack of Blogging. My laptop at home has gone down and my only access to the internet it's my blackberry which seems to have no internet between the hours of 10am to 11 pm and by then I'm always too tired to blog!
<(
"Tired?" you say? "But she's lazy!" Well guy's, I am NO longer lazy, I know have a job, which I hate. Most horrible customer's in the world! But Marks and Spencer's pays decent money. I was quite happy in Debenhams, but I need money for New York in January. YES I'M GOING TO NEW YORK!
<(
And I've just spend my last 40 pound on a dress!

As I've said countless times, very very sorry about the lack of blogging. I am still alive and kicking and living life much more than I was before! I hope you're all doing wonderfully well and please feel free to tweet me at @LilyHepburn or Message me on www.facebook.com/TheLilyHepburn

Take Care

Lily

so...

I have a name tag...

And a Uniform...

and even a Debenhams fleece!!

EEK!!!!

M&S interview Aswell on Wednesday!

I've been wished luck close on 30 times, but does being wished luck, does that achieve anything. Does someone saying 'Good Luck' Suddenly make greek gods grant all your wishes??

-Lily Hepburn

Blogging from an Apple Mac is pretty frustrating

But my boyfriend is in the bathroom and i PROMISED I would blog at least once a week. Even though it took me 15 minutes to type my passwprd in!

So this week has been pretty eventful, i got training in 'Debenhams' And also a job interview for "Marks & Spencers", Me and Chris also had our first fight which was pretty upsetting. But things are all better now!

Unfortunately I have been depressed a little more this week and sadly HAVE fallen back into the BP Pattern which i tried so hard to avoid. But whoever said Recovery was easy? If all journey's were easy would we ever feel happy that we'd achieved them??

-Lily Hepburn

Paranoia is a bitch!

I didn't lie to you. I am happier. But I've done what people do alot, and I've relied on others, and other things to make me happy. rather than just relying on myself.

I've relied on someone I've fallen in love with to do it for me, and even though I can rely on him, I can't rely on myself to trust him.

I'm happy but when he;s away from me, or he doesn't reply to a text or he mentions another girl, I know he's going to leave me and won't love me.

I HATE paranoia. It Irritates me.

-Lily Hepburn

Life Changing

It's amazing how something so trivial can change your life completly.

Since I've been Dating Mr C I've piled on almost a stone in weight!

Yes it's upsetting me, but I couldn;t care., Having On/Off Bullimia Since I was 7 I've always gone back to it when I'm down. I'm much much more better in myself now.

I know it's unhealthy and very un ME, to rely on a man to make me happy and to cure my ED, But It's happened. It's happened, so i'm going to enjoy it as it lasts.

I've neglected my blog for a while now, But I promise to blog at LEAST once a week.

I just don;t wish to fall inlove the habbit of relying on my Blogger to vent my feelings noiw that I have found a way to make them much much better.

-Lily Hepburn

Hershey's, Kisses & mini's

The past 3 weeks, my life has been turned upside down for the best. I am finally happy. I feel accepted and wanted. I am happy.

My life these past 3 weeks have seemed to be about chocolate and rides in his mini.

I'd be lying if I said I havn't found a new trust in people. He has changed me and I am happy.

It sounds stupid so Quickly, but I am happy.

I havn't been blogging since I've been 'happy' MAybe that's a good thing.

I'm loving my life.

I'm having bad days, but don't we all.

But Now my days are only 20% bad, rather than 99%.

Thank you <3

-Lily Hepburn

"Congratulations upon achieving your qualification"

I'm not officially a qualified barber at Level 3 Diploma!

Hard work, It's also means I PASSED MY KEY SKILLS ENGLISH!!

*PARTY POPPERS AND HATS!*

In other news, My thyroid I being a fuck up once again! Beta Blockers for Tea!

-Lily Hepburn

Not nice.

Feeling okay and moving on, then settling down to watch something we both watched together.
However I am a confident person, the TV is going over, your being errased from my mind and your gone :)

The Butterfly Effect. (Distraction Techniques)

1. When you feel like you want to SH, Take a pen and draw a butterfly on your arm or wrist (Wherever you SH)
2. Name the Butterfly after someone you love, or someone who wants you to get better.
3. You MUST Let the Butterfly fade Naturally, NO scrubbing off.
4. If you SH the Butterfly will be gone.
5. Someone else can Draw butterflys on you.
6. Even if you don;t SH but want to show your support, Draw a butterfly on your wrist and name is after someone you want to get better.

-Lily Hepburn

One of my most upsetting dreams.

Two nights ago I had one of the most upsetting dreams I've had in a long, long time.
I had, had a baby. Little girl called Molly, I'd brought her home and had hold of her. I held her head with my left hand and rested my right hand against her back.
I pulled her away to look at her, and she didn't breath. I became hysterical and tried to force her to breath and pressed into her body to make her breath.
But I couldn't do anything.
-Lily Hepburn

Blessings

A man cried because he had no shoes, he stopped crying when he seen another man with no legs.

-Lily Hepburn

Downton Abbey

Only 6 hours and 11 minutes to go until series 2 of Downton Abbey is aired.

Ive been so excited since the last season finished, I spent the entire night, last night watching the box set to gear myself up! I'm going to be all dolled up in nice PJ's to watch it!

My Ideal scenario's for this season would be ;

-For Mary and cousin Matthew to marry.
-For Sybil to have some sort of love affair with Branson.
-For William to be promoted to head footman!

Anyway I'm off to prepare for tonight, I'll be blogging almost immedatly after it has screened.

Love to all.
-Lily Hepburn

This was originally posted on Thursday, but Blogger is a tool.
 
Yesterday I was fine...
Last night I cried for an hour. Possibly, maybe perhaps it was a build up, like putting your hand under the tap and pushing it down so hard that nothing comes out, then when you let go, it bursts out. But once the water is released, the water becomes more calm.
Me and this tap have things in common... Yes I have just compared myself to a tap, I have hit new lows.
I think I've had my last good cry over you. I deserve a lot more than staying away and sobbing my heart out over someone who said they'd look after me and didn't.
As Jason said "TOO MANY BROKEN HEARTS"
Never do anything to make someone love you, other than yourself. Never wait around for someone, until they feel like they want you, always fall inlove with someone who'll do anything to get close to you.
 
-Lily Hepburn

My Blogger Is a knob

I won't be posting whilst it's behaving this way. I have so many blogs that have failed to send and now refuse to be pasted back on to here.

SORT YOURSELF OUT BLOGGER.

Disney always makes me understand how, sometimes, the world can be a lovely place. How people can be so talented, music can be so beautiful, images can be so wonderful and people can feel so happy.
-Lily Hepburn

Today I received an email from someone who broke my heart a couple of months ago.

I smiled when I seen his name, because for a moment he must have had to think about me, to send it.

I didn't read it. I just deleted it.

I then deleted his number.

I then also Deleted and Unfollowed you.

I feel fresh, clean and new!

-Lily Hepburn

It's 4:17AM to be precise.

I havn't been able to sleep. I've been unable to sleep properly for several weeks. I'll probably attempt to sleep after I've purged more thoughts out.

Today I have cried for about 2 minutes, I didn't sob, I whimpered a little. I whimpered because I felt ill, and that was all.

I have made a new friend. He seems very nice, and we have decided to go to Disney land, In a few months. It's more than likely NOT going to happen with how much money it will cost. And we're also going to see LEE NELSON.

I have to thank him for putting my mind off things, but then again It's unfortunate to tie everyone with the same brush, but I always fear people's reason's for helping from now on. However, it has been several weeks and he hasn't been nasty. Unlike Mr grump, as Mary calls him.

I've spent the entire evening watching Pushing Daisies. After I reached my 'happy place' I decided to watch Thumbelina, Anastasia, Snow white, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and The Swan Princess.

It definatly DID cheer me up, and now I'm lying in bed wondering why I've cried myself to sleep every night for almost three weeks, I've not wanted to leave the house and I've fallen out with so many people.

She was a very silly little girl.

People will break my heart, then others will fix it, then they will break it, then someone else will come along and fix it another time. It's a massive cycle is life, and I'm going to enjoy every moment of it I can!

-Lily Hepburn

BLOGGER HELP!

I can easily post blogs, but I'm not able to comment on ANYTHING. it says I'm not logged in.... even though I clearly am because I'm posting blogs...

Can anyone help me please?

At 20...

I still have a crush on Dimitri...

It is a little wrong, he is just ink and pixle's....

I'm never going to have Dimitri, or anyone like him, it would be unhealthy to establish a relationship with a 2D character.

We don;t always get what we want.

I've explained many time that life isn't about getting what you want, it's about accepting what you have, and being happy with it.

We can spend are days wanting new things; New clothes, New cars, to win the Lottery? It doesn't mean that if we don't get a Chanel dress, a ferrai and don't win millions of pounds, Does that mean we will be Unhappy? or does it just mean that we WANT it.

Nice Cuppa tea!

This is all I need in life at the moment.
And my best friend.
And Some Lee Nelson perhaps....

One day

When things are Okay again. I'll be sure to send you every letter I wrote, Every Blog I posted, and every Post-it notes I wrote about my broken heart on.

Note to self: Must by more Post-it notes.

I'm trying my best to put my mind off things.

I hate you.

A small part of me wants you, so badly, to read this.

Yesterday, I had the urge to go out and get laid. To get stoned. To drink and drink. And to not to be. I wanted to do anything to make me feel just slightly better about myself.

I'm not devastaed over you. Your the representation; Your everyone who has ever hurt me.

I'm not myself anymore, and don't even know who I am.

I'm finding myself CONSTANTLY blogging. Constantly eating, constantly making cups of tea, constantly dancing, and constantly shopping. Doing anything to put my mind off you.

But I still find myself constantly checking my phone for that little red flash, and jumping when it flashes to see if it's you.

It never ever is. You probably don't even think about me anymore. You've probably forgotten who I am. Even after saying 'I'll look after you' 'I want to be there for you'.

Bullshit.

I'm Meeting a friend tommorow. It makes me feel so happy that I can lie to people so easily now; she'll never know about what I have on my theighs and what I do when I'm sad. I have my own little world, The world I began to let you in and you completly shat over it all.

I don't need you.

You have left me in such a dark place the last couple of weeks.
I don't need you anymore.

Recently I have been diagnosed with something that has always effected me. It has always been there, and will probably always be there. It will more than likely effect every little thing I do and ever single relationship I have.

I need friends and lovers who will be able to pick me up in these bad times, and see when it's me and it's not this thing. I don't need someone who will leave me to be devasted as soon as it suits them.

I deserve ALOT more.

Never hate yourself completly. Always love yourself a bit.

Always find something.. Just one thing you love about yourself.

I have a big arse, I'm flat chested and have a strange nose.

But I love my Eyes, Even though I can't see it myse;f, I'm always complimented on them. No one will ever respect you if you don;t respect yourself. Love yourself and people will love you, however be egotistic, and people will hate you.

Too Many thoughts.

Too Many thoughts.
No sleep.
my hearts raciing.
I can;t stop thinking.
I want to smoke.
I want to drink.
I want to have sex with random people.

Then I realise this isn't me.
Then I want to purge.
I want to feel real again.

Today I had possibly the biggest breakdown ever. I screamed at my parents, smashed my room, I kicked and screamed until I had no air left in my lungs. I walked in the rain for 40 minutes and tried my hardest to clear my head.
The entire time, I thought about you, and how I wanted to tell you I was on the edge. I wanted you to call me and tell me you still cared and you wanted me to be okay, I so desperately wanted you to tell me you wanted me.
I'm so happy I have my best friend to help me through all this. I don't know where I would be without her.

Tears are like rain on a clamy day.

It isn't nice, but once the ntears are out of the way, the day can become fresher, cleaner and brighter.

I want to cry,

I want to cry and cry and pour my tiny broken heart out.

This isn't you. these tears aren;t for you, they're for every person who has ever broken my heart. The people who have been cruel, the people who have been heartless and the people who have left me.

Sometimes it doesn't take much for everything to eventually get too much for anyone to handle. Sometimes it's takes only the smallest crack in a wall to make the entire thing fall to the floor.

There was never an us.

I believed there was me and you. We spent all the time together and told eachother things hardly anyone knew. I don;t know why I believed for a second there was even an US.
This wasn;t your fault, and It wasn;t my fault. But I should have known all along that you could never ever love or care about someone who is an mentally unstable as I am, and I can never fall for someone when I don't actually know what 'falling' for someone means.

I don't blame you and I don't blame me. I'm sorry for always complaining, I annoy everyone all the time.

Unknown Idol

Have you ever loved someone? Not as in 'I want you to be my boyfriend' kind of love. The love of someone of the same gender? The same family?

Soemtimes you can lvoe someone, and they give you reasons to want to get out of bed in the morning. To want to improve the person you are, and to try ad live your life and best as you can.

You make me want to do this. You make me want to be a more stronger human being, and you've spoken to me once or twice. Retweeted me Once on twitter and given me inspirational quotes to live by. But you don't know me, you don't know my real name, Where I'm from or who I am.

I don't think I ever want to meet you, I don't want you to see the person that I am.

"Don't give up before the miracle happens"

Strength.

I've just got a cup of tea off my mother.
It's taking every strength in my body to NOT sob, to not be sick and to not admit that everything is getting too much.

My much awaited reply...

"If no one's ever told you before, allow me to politely ask you to get over yourself."

Wow... Now I feel special...

I've had my heart completely broken for the 3rd time in a couple of months. I seriously can not see myself picking myself up after this knock back.

I'd do anything for you just to phone me up and say you we're sorry for everything you've done, and to say you want me and you care about me and you want to look after me.

But that's not going to happen.

I know you don't care, I'd written letters, emails and texts and still have no reply.

If you cared at all you would at least try.

I've always been pretty sensible when coming to love, never letting anyone knock me down or make me feel more worthless than I am. I would never stand for this, However I believe it's easier to fall for a handsome face and kind words. More easier than we think.

To begin with, I was told I was pretty and fascinating. I knew never to fall for this, as I was far too clever. Then I seen him, and I felt about 12 again.

It didn't last long. He had a fiance and a child on the way. I would never ever be "the other woman". It's something I would never ever do.

Then I met Mr Indie. He seemed pretty friendly, flirtatious and rather charismatic. We went out for a drive and became friends, then decided to do something again. We hung out at his house, he kissed me, drove me home, then never spoke to me again.

I spent an entire week waiting around for him, questioning 'what had I done wrong?'

Then I met Mr Perfect. We wanted to be friends and talked about almost everything that had effected both of our lives. We were more similar than we originally thought. We got on so well and seen eachother everyday for a week. I met his mum and step dad and spent almost every minutes either being together, or talking to eachother. The only time we wouldn't speak would be when we were asleep.
Then he went strange. And didn't talk to me again, and when he did, it would only be short snappy words. A man telling me how much I meant to him and how much he wanted me, to suddenly meaning nothing to him terrified me.

After 8 days of not knowing what was going on, I wrote him an email explaining my feelings and begging to him let me know what was going on.

He didn't reply.

And left me waiting around like an idiot.

My luck must have ran out with "nice" guys, and I'm scaring myself when thinking perhaps my first boyfriend may have been the person who would love and look after me no matter how much we dissagreed.

Perhaps this is Karma's way of biting my arse.

Last week I wrote you a 5 page letter, explaining everything I feel about you. It's in the back of my purse right now.

Today I wrote an email to you. Begging that you would tell me everything that you felt for me and if you felt anything.

I sent it to so many people asking was it okay, was it too much, was it too little?

But the only person who's opinion I didn;t look at was my own. I'm terrified ofg my own opinion and all I seem to do lately is make mistakes.

"With every mistake we make, we learn more and more!" I just seem to make more and more mistakes. They multiply with everyone I make.

Sympton recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, Querelous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands
I do not yearn for lovlier lands.
I dread the dawns recurrent light
I hate to go to bed at night
I snoot and simple, earnest folk
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type,
My word is but a load of tripe.
I'm dissillusioned, Empty breasted
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well
My Quondam dreams are shot to hell
My soul is crush, my spirit sore
I do not like me anymore
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse
I ponder on the narrow house
I shudder at the thought of men,
I'm due to fall inlove again.

-Dorothy Parker

Playing

When we're young we play with people's toys.

When we get older we play with eachothers emotions.

My Life.

My Life just never seems to know which way it wishes to go.

It is either brilliant, Or It's totally destroyed.

I trust people who I shouldn't trust. And I push people away who care about me.

You played with my emotions.

You are cruel.

I hate you.

One thing

One thing we should do in life, if nothing else, is love. No matter how much it hurts, how it is unrequited or how short it lasts.

Love will stay with you, then when you die, it will stay with that person, then the love you have given them, they can pass on to someone else.

Money; becomes worthless.
Beauty: becomes non lasting, the eyesight: becomes damaged.
Sounds: become worthless as ears become old and deafness takes over.
Love can stay, grow and be transported into others, it'll never dissapear.

"Nothings that bad"

Enough is that bad.

When you have had enough, it is so bad. Perhaps it may seem Over the top, to suddenly 'break down' over the slightest thing.

To Write down everything that has affected me, In the pase of 5 years, could be Far too much to right. Perhaps I AM senstive, perhaps I am not strong enough to handle what's going on around me. Perhaps I never will be, and I'm not strong enough to cope here anymore.

I am just floating around in this silly little haze unable to claw myself out of it. Wanting so desperatly to see things in a better Light. I'm trying and trying and can't seem to get myself of out it. Just not seeing an actual point.

No one actually likes me. I'm annoying, ugly, thick and sometimes quite bitchy. I wish I was a sdifferent person but I can;t change myself no matter how much I try. Even my best friend is begining to love me less, and she is all I have in the world.

Maybe I am not actually born to be here. Perhaps it would be better if I wasn't. Maybe it would all go away and I would stop people from hating me, stop people finding me annoying, and stop wasting Oxygen for people who deserve to be here.

There isn't a point.

Life frightens me. The fact I can;t grip it or Have control. I want to be looked after and protected, so I Force myself to become Thinner and thinner by doing things any doctor would be fuming at.

I'm not Ill. I'm not doing wrong, I deserve it, so surely it's not wrong?

I'm getting what I deserve.

Black and White thinking.

I've always been someone who has had very black and white thinking. It's a sympton of BPD [which My friends are CONVINCED I have :')]

But lately, even just the last few days I've began to realise things aren;t always completely black and white.

If people do something 'bad' they may have the best intentions or perhaps even be so emotional involved they make mistakes and try not to think of the consequences.

It';s hard to think 'am I a bad person for wanting this?'

But I'm not, it's always been something I have looked down my nose at, but I have never experienced a situation like that.

Never in my life, and never in my life have I even considered it.

Rioting.

Is beyond ridiculous!

If this is all for 'Getting back the government'

How is burning people's homes down doing any fucking good!

I personaly hope that they all get arrested and spend the next few years regretting what they've done, to homes, families and the economy!

Words can't describe how unimpressed I am by human being within the last 24 hours.

Stupid people having no actual reguard for the feelings of any others at all!

i shouldn't be staring like this.

Looking at them. I shouldn't want to do it again£ but I can't help it. I can't everytime something is mildly okay it goes wrong. I don't want to be here. I can't be here.  My life terrifys me that I can't handle what's going on around me.

The only thing that can save her...

Is knowing that someone for whom she cares- wants her to live.

It's 20 to 2

I've left my window open, and I'm listening to the rain. I'm so sleepy, yet my mind can't keep still. It can't stop thinking, and I can't stop crying.

I'm terrified because I don't know what I've become, I was never this person, I've grown to me someone who I would have despised several years ago.

I shouldn't even be considering what I'm considering, some stupid part of me thinks "it'll be different, it'll be okay" but I know deep down that it won't be. Nothing ever works out.  

I hate who I've become.

"It's because you don't socialise"

Are you seriously stupid enough to think I feel like this because I 'don't socialise'

Do you know how scary it is to go out 'clubbing in' to imagine every single pair of eyes looking at how ugly you are.

It's not that fucking easy, if I was I'd be over this.

I'd be okay, But I'm not. I know I'm a terrible daughter because I'm not perfect.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect, I want to be perfect, I want you to love me, I want everyone to think I'm good and kind because it's all I want to be.

But I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't be everything you want.

I'm pretty stupid.

I indeed am. I've always been told I'm too kind and sensitive to people, I let people get under my skin too easily. I let people use me for their own pleasure and leave me, even though it kills me inside, I destroy my own body and self esteem.

It's my own fault, I've always been warned to watch out for people, but like a fool I give everyone a chance. Silly me.

I've been used by someone who I thought was very close to me, obviously they had a very low reguard for my feelings, I've beaten myself up over it. Cried myself to sleep, and now I'm not depressed.

I'm incredibly angry.

Very, very angry.

This can't last, this misery can't last. I must remember that and try to control myself. Nothing lasts really. Neither Happiness or dispair. Not even life lasts very long.

Who am I?

I don;t even know that myself.

When I was younger I wanted to be beautiful, Sophisticated, clever and independant.

I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse, I wanted to look after others, I can't even look after myself.

I act younger, I feel younger, but I can only get on with people 5 years my senior, but I bore them, I'm too childish for them.

I want to be attractive, and to make friends so easily, but I lack all confidence.

I am not the woman I wanted to grow up to be. I'm still the little girl who's life is going no where.

Maybe it's all I'm good for.

Just use me.

Oh MSN,

I do wish you were right. And eating different foods stopped depression, because it's just THAT easy to stop.

Over the past couple of years I have been pretty emotionless except for a constantly black cloud of sadness. But yesterday, I felt happy, that my life was getting back on track, that I can beat this.

Then I found today, I'd be lying if I said a FRIEND. Because we weren't friends, we knew of eachothers struggles, but we were never actually friends, giving one another tips and advice and a place to scream out our thoughts on what has been controlling out lives.

But we can't anymore, because this thing has killed you.

Your not here anymore to say you don't want it to destroy you because it already has.

My thoughts are with your friends and family Lucie, and you will be greatly missed.

I'll die

before I get to the place I want to be.

Some days I'm Ok.

I can cope.

I'm happy.

Then I'm sad...

So Sad...

I don;t want to be me...

I don;t want my features.

I don't want my body.

I don;t want anything.

formspring.me

Ask me anything, I WILL answer no matter what http://formspring.me/LilyHepburn

Norway

I think it's horrific what happen 2 days ago in Norway. Innocent people died, and what's worse is this happens everyday, but it takes a high number of people to die before people realise how cruel the world can be.

The Human Race is a cruel one.

I was also saddened by the news of Amy Winehouse. As a fan of her's, and developing an obsession when I was younger, I was heartbroken to hear of her death. Yes she had an addiction, but she is still a human being Who made mistake. For anyone to say they don't make mistake it's a hypocrite. Her family have still lost their entire world.

It is possible to be sad over 2 things. Grief isn't a competition.

It's horrible how so many young people have died in the last few days, we need to be grateful for everything that happens and the people we have in out lives. Whilst we have them.

According to my PT

I've trapped myself in my own little world, I'm completly issolated even though people are all around me, and the only way to make me feel better is to decorate my 'little world' with material objects'.

It's terrifying how someone can meet you for an hour and tell you more about yourself, than you've been able to figure out for the past 5 years.

I always though discussing these thought's would cure everything. If anything I feel even more alone and isolated than I ever had before.

Feeling so ugly, horrible and inadequate for even my best friend.

Every perfect little thing I had in my life has been ripped from my finger tips over the last 5 years, I've been unable to control anything in my life, and even though my life has spiralled out of control, I've lost complete grip during the past 6 weeks.

I feel so alone.

So alone that the only kind of comfort I get is to buy myself pretty things, make myself look pretty and make people see the outside me rather than what's inside.

My Insides are distrubing, an my outside is disgusting.

Plain, Fat, Ugly.

Not even worth the tiniest look. My humour can't even make up for that anymore, Everyone just finds me pretty annoying.

The only kind of comfort I can get out of anything is to ***** & *****.

I feel disgusting yet so clean.

But 'Your fat, you don't deserve help', keeps creeping into my head,

Even if I was disgustingly thin I still wouldn't deserve help. I don't deserve anything at all.

I don't even deserve to live.

formspring.me

Ask me anything, I WILL answer no matter what http://formspring.me/LilyHepburn

What's the best way to cool off on a summer day?

STRIPINIT?

Ask me anything, I WILL answer no matter what

I don't like this feeling.

Not one bit.
I'm not myself, I know I'm not, I don't know where I have gone.
I've been here before, and I hated it.
I'm doing thing's I wouldn't usualy.
I'm terrified because I don't know what I'm capable of next...
I'm so terrified.

If I ever fall out with a friend, I don;t blame them. I never do. I always blame myself. If I can't think about what I've done wrong, it's obviously something I don't understand.

It's never because they are a cunt, or they are a nasty person.

It's always my fault; maybe I'm annoying, not funny or too dumb for them.

Maybe I just genuinly look like an idiot.

Ugly, Horrible, fat idiot.

I don't respond well to shock

I never have.

I think i've always been pretty protected by both of my parents, which I loved.

I've been feeling slightly down this evening, I couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I rememeberd today was my Nan's Birthday, she would have been 91.

My family are Were close. We were all told she would die, she didn;t seem ill. She seemed fine.

Then one day after PE, me and my cousin went home. She wasn;t well.

She was laying on the couch.

She NEVER lay on the couch.

14 days later.

After christmas.

She died.

I was shock, extremly shocked and didn't actually feel the total upset of it until 4 years later.


I now have things happening now.

My parents don't love eachother anymore. How can that happen? How can you just stop loving someone?

How does that AXCTUALLY happen.

I havn't been well for a while.
B
SH
Depression.

But I wanted to get better.

Now I feel back in at square one.

I don;t even WANT to get better.

I don;t want to be here.

Bee Dot Pea

Quit Pretending to know what's going on in my head.

Quit Pretending to know what's going on in my head, You know nothing about it.

you really havn't got a clue about how I feel about myself.

'you've gotta stop'

Do you not think I know that??

Do you seriouslu yhink I sit there and say

"Oh; today, I'm going to constantly think about how fat and ugly I am. and think all the time about how I can look perfect like him?'

Do you think I get some thrill out of completly starving myself until I feel like I'm about to collapse.

And the fact I've dropped 4 stone and still don't feel one bit better about myself??

Of course I LOVE doing it, because it's just THAT easy to stop, I'm obv choosing to feel like this.

You have no idea how often I cry myself to sleep because I can't bare to cope anymore living in my grotesque body, and how often I refuse to go outside, avoid college just so people can't see how ugly I am.

But of course, I can control this.,

Because it's THAT easy.

I've had an Okay couple of days.

Now I've just came across a couple of pictures of him

He's so thin

And perfect

I want to be Him

Bleugh... Seriously...I KNOW i'm not clever, or pretty or funny. But I don't need remnding all the time that I'll always be last. Auntys. Grandparents. Parents. Friends. I'll always come last. There's obviously a reason; I'm not good enough.

It is sad when a celebrity has a tough time.

It reminds us they are just normal people.

But we must always rememeber, They ARE normal people.

Normal people; like friends and family and work colleagues all suffer the same upsets.

Breaks up.
depression.
Deaths
Unhappiness.

But as a society we would rather read an article how '[x] has been depressed'.

We need to sort ourselves out before pining for people we will probably never meet, we must help the people who truly need are help and can gain anything from it.

It occured to me today

That however unhappy I feel, however alone or depressed I feel, I am extremly grateful for what I have.

Over recent years I have lost an incredible ammount of people.

Yes I am sad, But I could be far worse, yes I havn;t got everything I want ot used to have, but I've got a mother who'll always love me. And a family I can rely.

Also [even though only few] Friends I can talk to.

And I have a best friend who I can trust my life with, and anything at all.

Yes, I am incredibly grateful for what I have in my life at the moment, I think I might thank god for taking away things to prove to me what I still have.

xx

It'll all pass.

I have spent the past 5 years of my life suffering to and fro' depression.

In and out and feeling alone and issolated.

Things get better,

I Make friends. I develop love. I feel happy I learn to smile.

Then they fall apart

And I lose everyone, I fall out of love and feel incredibly unhappy.

This past few weeks, I have done my best, To feel happier, to make friends, to get people to like me.

But it always fails, It never happens.

perhaps I'm just born to feel this issolated, and the whole 'partiall depression; isn;t really partial, it is infact the happiness that is only temporary.

Yes I understand my gramer is possible the worst it's ever been. To be frank I can barely see past my eyes..

I want my life back, I want depression to leave me alone, I'm sick of feeling disgusting and fat and I'm sick of what I do to myself to stop me feeling this way just for a few moments.

This isn't fair.

I want my life back again.

Long ago, the great Frith made the world. He made all the stars and the world lived among the stars. Frith made all the animals and birds and, at first, made them all the same. Now, among the animals was El-Ahrairah, the Prince of Rabbits. He had many friends and they all ate grass together. But after a time, the rabbits wandered everywhere, multiplying and eating as they went. Then Frith said to El-Ahrairah, "Prince Rabbit, if you cannot control your people, I shall find ways to control them." But El-Ahrairah would not listen and said to Frith, "My people are the strongest in the world." This angered Frith, so he determined to get the better of El-Ahrairah. He gave a present to every animal and bird, making each one different from the rest. When the fox came and others, like the dog and cat, hawk and weasel, to each of them, Frith gave a fierce desire to hunt and slay the children of El-Ahrairah.

In Other News

I#ve developed a craving for sweetcorn...
 
I don't even LIKE sweetcorn...

U-G-L-Y

I feel like Poppin' fresh...
 
Not a good look...

11 messages.

11 messages in total you have sent me.
Your so beautiful and kind why take the time to send me random messages and discuss dances with me?
Why, as just a stupid girl, Do you take the time to talk to me?

You know why? Because your perfect.

your perfect

your clever

Your Talented

Your Beautiful.

I'd kill to be like you.

the thought of never being anything like you makes me physically sick.

It makes me be physically sick.

I love you.

you shouldn't do this to me.

Can you really ever change yourself?

I've always been the same.

plain.

small.

Fat.

Short Bitten nails.

Nothing special at all.

But I decided last year, to make a change, to eat healthier, stop biting my nails, look after my appearence alot more. Put my Appearence first before anything, Health. Friendship. Family.

Maybe this was a mistake.

Dropping 5 sizes in 6 months and growing my nails long, in just over a week Iam almost back to how I was.

I feel beyond ugly.

So pig ugly I don't deserve to even be here.

I just want to lock myself away.

Maybe I was born to be, and always will be ugly.

Lack of a blogtastic life.

Yes guys, I fail to be able to keep my mouth shut, but when there's so much goijg on through my mind, I find it impossible to talk or say anything.

Truthfully, over the past 2 weeks my family life has gone from being 'almost perfect' to suddenly being ripped apart.

Someone I have trusted for so many years has destrpyed me and the rest of my family.

I think if you apoligised in the first place I wouldn't be As dissapointed in you.

But the fact that you sit, do you busness, break are hearts, then turn everyone agaisnt US?

Yes I probabaly didn embarras you, if you have an affair and I 'accidently' post it on your Facebook wall, I don't see how that's worse than yeno, destroying your wife and childrens lives?

To be perfectly honest, I am disgusted in you.

I am gratefull I have to my 'Lang' Side that I can rely on, and most of al I am happy I've got a best friend who has helped me through this.

I hope your all doing well fellow bloggers, I love you all x

You were, just always the couple who I Thought would NEVER break up.
Everything seemed so perfect and secure.
How can It have changed overnight? 10 days ago everything was perfect.
"there must have been something there" Well their wasn't.
I feel so completly lost. And sickened.
I love you both. D You have completly broke my heart, but I can;t hate you, It sickens me to think that people will hate you and you'll feel unloved.
M I can't belive this has completly broken you up.
I could scream.
And if someone else says 'aww your 19 you'll get over it', Having a strong bond for nearly 20 years just suddenly broken, won;t be Fine Because of my age.

Help me.

A Quote to make me cry!

"You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you poppet, you're going to be alright..."

Sometimes...

Sometimes we can get really depressed. So depressed you can;t get out of bed, that you see no point in going outside, because all we do is exsist.

Perhaps we want ambitions from when we are children, we crave dreams from we are so young and aim to be like that when we grow older.

Maybe we get depressed because we suddenly realise; We won;t get married, We won't be famous, or we won't be rich.

But ther eis always someone out there; be it your parents, your family, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your best friend etc. Perhaps they will do absolutly anything to make your dreams come true. give you a child, get you famous make you rich.

And maybe they can;t do that, and everyday it breaks there heart that little bit more that they can;t make you happy.

But we will never be happy until we learn to be happy with what we are given. If we are unhappy with what we have now, god won't grant us with anything else. By Being happy, you can make someone else happy, I know from the bottom of my heart happiness is far from easy to acheieve, and we sit and complain life isn;t going the way it is, but the second we take things for granted they are ripped from us.

Perfects family, perfect Lover, perfect life. It's just taken.

Be careful.

-Lily.

I may not be beautiful

Or Smart
Or talented.

I may not be the mot funny person, or the most attractive.

But I'm me, and that's something No one can ever be.

Not much to say other than

Panic tommorow!!!

My dream last night was quite a weird one.

 Saddam Huisane was shopping in my town centre, and someone found him, then because they were waiting to kill him, the security guard came over and shot him, but instead of shooting him the gun backfired and shot the guy in the face killing him.
 So because Saddam still wanted to die, a lady in my college who was watching this with me (in peacocks) Brougth out of a plastic bag and suffocated him....
 
Yup, I'm pretty fucked up!

I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay... That's all I need. Someone to see into the future and tell me I'll be okay.

Breakthrough.

Tonight I realised how desperately I want to be loved, and Starving myself and making myself thin isn't going to make a difference.
It's not going to make people suddenly say "wow she's a size 8 I want to be her friend!". I was under this stupid illusion for so long.
I want people to love me, but I can't be loved by others if I can't love myself.

When you hear;

"If you carry on, if this carries on, you WILL die".

It should terrify you.
Infact it probably does terrify people.
But not me.
Because the thought of dying doesn't scare me anymore.
And that's more terrifying that anything.

My First Post of May.

I feel asif I havn;t posted for such a long time. For over a week. And I wish I could post on a more happier note.

But sadly again, it's one of them weeks where I fail to see a point anymore.

Everyone of my idols are telling me that i don;;t deserve to be any better or get any better and to keep carrying on until I can't get back up. Until my legs can't pick me up anymore...

I feel out with a very close friend today. I don't know why, we just fell out.

Pretty horrible when people begin to hate you and you have no idea what you've done other than attempt to help them.

I'm not going to blame her. She's not a bad person for making me feel like this, we all make mistakes and we all hurt people without realising it. So I forgive her.

But I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt.

Because it does.

It's Really does

-lily

I give myself very good advice, But I very seldom follow it, That explains the trouble that I'm always in, Be patient, is very good advice, But the waiting makes me curious, And I'd love the change, Should something strange begin, Well I went along my merry way, And I never stopped to reason, I should have know there'd be a price to pay, Someday...someday, I give myself very good advice, But I very seldom follow it, Will I ever learn to do the things I should? Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

I feel so incredibly low right now. Below beyond belief and so incredibly isolated in such a disgusting body.
I hate myself got being like this. I hate admiting to people I hate myself for how I look. Because I am not superficial. Everyone is so beautiful except for me.
when I was at school I got called fat and ugly randomly by people who didn't even know me. I must be pretty damn ugly for people to go out of there way to say it and notice it.
Even my brother says it now.
I was told that I had something. A disorder that makes pretty people look into a mirror and see an ugly monster.
but I am an ugly person who see's I am ugly. Therefor I am not a sufferer.
Even someone I had met once told me I was ugly.
I remember when I was 4 sitting in the playground and school and looking at myself and thinking 'you are ugly'.
I have never been able to shake that feeling off.  
All I ever wanted from when I was little to be married with kids.
no one will ever want someone as revolting as me.
I couldn't live if my children ever looked at themselves and seen me everyday.
I do not want to be here.

My Hospital Appointment.

After years of suffering from 'absence' episodes.

Today my physcologist had pin pointed why they exist.

Apparently they are caused when my confidence is at an all time low.

He spent hours telling me I wasn't 'weird' looking, and that I am a perfect example of someone suffering with 'body dismorphia'. I have to see a councilor.

I will never see myself as being beautiful.

but i need to learn to accept who I am.

I may not beautiful or thin. But I can be kind and helpful to others. If I can;t make myself smile, I want to spend my life caring, and making others smile and feel they are worth living everyday.

My Life

Is so far away, from being where i've always wanted it to be at this point.

By now I wished to have a decent qualification, a boyfriend and a job.

I have none of the above and it frightens me and more everyday.

All I've ever wanted from life was to be sorted, and to have a family.

Everyday it feels harder and harder to get my life sorted out.

Not the fact I'm not there, but the wholse fact that I really havn't got a clue where to go from here.

Eugh!

My Vinegar Craving is back....

Happy Easter Everyone!

Today we celebrate the return of jesus and life in general.

Also, we celebrate the birth of animals and the spring!

Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!

Being the Racist I am...

Happy St George's Day!!

I can

Talk someone into eating.
But I can't eat myself.

I can talk someone into cheering up.
But I can't make myself feel any better

I can talk someone out of wanting to comit suicide.
But I can't make myself want to live.


I'm probably the biggest hypocrit going.

Such things I do

Just to make myself for attractive to you



I can't put into words how bad I feel today.
I'm just UGLY.  

words.

Today I got called butch
and I don't think you understand how much it upsets me.
I know I'm ugly.
I punish myself everyday.
You've just given me reasons to carry on more.
Thank you  

Blogging

From a blackberry is a total bitch!

I feel as if I haven't posted in ages

I'm not beautiful. I'm far from that
I'm not clever either.
Nor am I talented.
I'm not overly kind, I'm pretty selfish.
And when I try to help people I usualy do the wrong things.

I do, however like everyone else, Just want to be cared for like everyone else.
Apparently that's a strong trait in a cancerean.

Sometime's I feel so low and down, like no one could care. And it's thoughts like this that make me understand why I'm not thought of highly.

The Black cloud that keeps following me, my life has once again decided to take hold of me and suffocate me.
Usualy when a cloud turns to rain, things begin to brighten.
Things need to begin to brighten, before I lose complete control over everything.

Letting myself down.

I can't do this.
I need to be strong.
I
I promised you, I wouldn't so it, I have done.
I can't help it I feel so disgusting and horrible and Fat

There once was a child.
Her name was the same as a gem.
One day she thought she fell inlove.
A boy who used to be her friend.
He told her she was fat and ugly.
She cut herself, and starved herself.
She made a best friend.
She fell inlove with that best friend.
But that best friend and others made everyone turn against her.
That best friend made her feel loved then broke her heart.
She was left with no one and felt afraid.
She went to college to be better.
She fell back inlove with that best friend.
And her best friend loved her again.
But her best friend couldn't give her what she needed.
Something she needed to live.
She found someone else who could maybe give her this.
She still loved her best friend.
This someone else gave her this.
But then it broke.
She was left again with no one.
Afraid.
She wanted to die.
She tried to die.
Then the girl made a new friend again.
One she thought who cared.
This friend made her do things she didn't want to, or she'd have no one.
These things made her feel disgusting.
Her best friend saved her again.
She was better.
She thought she was better.
She wasn't.
She still isn't.
She's empty.

Wreckages

I'm in a wreckage. A dark wreckage. But I've been pulled out of worse wreckages. I've pulled myself out of far worse. I can do it. Somedays I feel like I can't. But I can.

I'm not pretending

That I'm Okay when people just decide to hate me suddenly. For no reaosn. But I'm allowed to hate who I want, therefor you have the same right. The same way I have the ight the express my opinion, the same way you do. In future, if you don't like me, don't go out of your way to be nasty... just don't talk to me.

Today I said 'I love you'

I wonder sometimes do I really make you happy? Does spending time with me, thrill you as much as you say it does. People; Whether it is friends, family or lovers, should always try and spend time together. when someone you care about always seems to case your entire relationship on timed things, it feels a bit ridiculous. It begins to feel like this bond is based souly on times, and excuses.

For once I'd like you to say, "I don't care about how long we're together, aslong as I see you". or

"So what if I'm going to be late, I want to see you" Instead the entire life is made up of "Sorry, Can't be bothered" and "I've got other things to do"

I understand I am selfish. I've never denyed that, but all I want is to feel important to someone. To feel like I'm the only thing that matters to someone.

Today I told you I loved you again, you answered "there's a cat in my back garden"

"When the world gets too heavy, put it on my back, i'll be your levy".

Questionaire thingy.

Who are you thinking about now? Panic! at the disco, and then being knobs. Who did you last talk to on the phone? Beth Probably! Who's birthday is next? I'd say if I knew what month it was! Who was the last person you told you love them? My bub Where is your phone? To the left, to the left! Where do you sleep? In a bed.... Is the last person you text cool? Sazz is amazing! (:!! What colour pants are you wearing? Black tights What is the closest item near you that is blue? ring! What do you wear more; jeans or shorts? I don;t wear either, just tights. What is the last movie you watched? The boy in the striped pyjama's Why is wood brown? Because tree's are brown? When did you last take a shower? yesterday! If the last person you kissed told you a secret, would you tell anyone? Of course not. Are you mean? Depends. Is there anyone you haven't seen in a while that you'd like to see? I hadn't seen Linzi, then I seen her, Feel like I havn't seen Ryan in Ages though, even though it's only been two weeks D:! Is there someone that annoys you but you haven't told them? Yeah! Are you happy with your life right now? We aren't happy, we have to be grateful to become happy. . Were you single on your last birthday? Nope Do you like competition? No! Do you want any tattoos? Not too fussed. Do you have any friends who's parents will no longer let them hang out with you? I hope not... Will you be in a relationship in the next month? Hopefully! What are you stressed out about? Eveything Are you stubborn? I'm too stubborn, it's not good. What was the reason you last received flowers? I can;t rememeber, Im not bog on flowers Is having sex on your mind? All the time like! What time will you be getting up tomorrow morning? Probabaly about 9;30? Have you ever slept on the floor with a person you liked? Yeah! Let's test your memory: On a bed.. When did you last cry? Yesterday Who did you sleep with last night? beth (: Are you legal to drink? Yeah! Are you the youngest, middle, or oldest sibling? Oldest Do you straighten your hair? Not now What are you looking forward to in the next 2 months? Panic! easter eggs... Money (: Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? all the ttime! If you had to have someone's name tattooed on your body, whose would it be? Jesus's's's's's's's If you're quiet it usually means; I'm going to cry if I talk. Have you cried today? No (: Who's in your house right now, and what are they all doing? Keefs cooking dinner, mums doing the Census (:. Are you afraid of roller coasters? I never used to be, Now I just don't like the fair Where do you wish you were right now? In Patricks bed... PLEASE! Do you curse in front of your parents? Yeah, they encourage it At what age do you want to be married? not sure Ever had your heart broken? Of course, we need are hearts to be broken to get them repaired. Do you look your age? I'm not sure :s

Photo #2 A picture of you and a friend you have been close with for awhile.

This is Me and My Best Friend in the world!

I tried

I tried talking to you.

"this is taking over my life"

You didn;t answer.

Not because you didn't hear.

Because you were too bothered about someone else.

I need help.

I know I need help.

Why won;t you listen to me.

I have no life.

This thing is my entire life.

The things That have annoyed me today.

#1 My Panic! CD not turning up.
-it's been delayed a week.

#2 Panic's Cd has suddenly made every 'Proper Fuckin' goff' turn into a teeny.
-Respect the band all year not just when I New album comes Out.

#3 Panic Headlining Leeds.
-See above.

#4 Every ripping into Lily allen for Years and not they love her because she had a miscarriage.
-News Flash it happens to other people too.

#5 People making Arrangments me, when really they aren;t bothered about seeing me, they just want me to sort everything out for them.
-FUCK YOU.

#6 Twats.
-you are ALL twats!

#1 A Photo of you with 15 Facts about yourself.

#1 My Name isn't Lily.

#2 I'm only 4ft 11

#3 I get far too obsessed too easily.

#4 I feel, in some parts of my life, Much older than 19.

#5 And in others I feel far younger than 19

#6 I havn't been my natural for 6 years.

#7 I love Music

#8 I'm a Qualified Hairdresser and Barber

#9 I have an addiction to Shopping...

#10 No an actual ADDICTION, I don't just like it.

#11 I'm unbelievably emotional and mentally unstable

#12 I was On TV

#13 Example came to my house for biscuits, tea and a haircut.

#14 My Best Friend is my entire world.

#15 I'm inlove with Patrick Stump.

My Saturday evening Thoughts...

Involved love, fate and questions.

We always say when we meet 'the one' it's when we see them, all them fireworks go off and we want them.

How do we know that we havn't at one point in our lives, already we have met them.

Maybe we have stood in a shop and they've been at the till as we look around for clothes to impress this 'perfect person'.

We never know what's around the corner or who is around the corner.

Such a let down.

With everything.

I make my best friend feel awful,

and I can;t even help the people so close to me.

This isn;t fair.

I'm watching **** Kill herself slowly.

It's terrifying me so much.

I can;t help her.

I'm trying, I can;t. This isn't fair.

If something happens this is all my fault.

It's boring being in control.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9olrdb7Fyg

I don;t think words can describe how amazing this guy is!

Such a lovely gentleman aswell!

No wonder I have such a fucked up view on life.

I grew up watching far too much disney and expecting happiness to just fall into place.

You have to search for your own happiness.

And you make yourself happy.

You can't be happy unless you are gratefull for everything you've got, adn the lessons you can learn from.

Everytime I think of a reason to stop...

I think of a thousand others to carry on.

Day.. what? 64 of Nausia

Yeah.

Surely Nausia isn't meant to last this long?

I'd kill for my ********'* right now.

I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy.

I'm not going to lie and say I don;t think about it every moment of every day.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't wonder why I never seem to be okay,

I'm not going to lie and say I have control.

I'm not going to lie and say I regret doing it.

I'm not going to lie and say I'll never do it again.

I'm not going to lie and say I am beautiful.

I'm not going to lie and say It made me feel awful.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm Okay.

I AM going to lie and say I KNOW I can get through it.

Because I really don't know anymore.

Just letting you all know...

I'm alive!

Time to clean, Defrag and decookie this machine!

Had an amazing few days with some special people!

In the past 4 years,

I have dealt with break ups,
depression,
ED,
A,
B,
SH,
A miscarriage,
A breakdown,
A Suicide attempt.
Apersonality Melt down.


but god, I can't handle this aswell.

When I first began. I thought, I had control.

But this thing is not controling me.

Everything I do is dictated by this disease.

This thing controls me.

My life has gone out of my hands.

There is nothing this thing, doesn't control.

I'm quite terrified.

But I need it.

I need it to survive.

I know I hurt you. and I'm sorry, I wish I was stronger. I love you with all my heart.

I want to make a difference.

I want to make a difference to people.

To show people that they can acheive things even after being through a dark endless tunnel.

To Let people know, that being yourself is Okay.

Infact, being yourself and not caring about what other's think, is the greatest thing you can do in life.

I Wish to make people believe in themselves.

But I can't make themselves believe in themselves, if I can't believe in myself.

A New Haircut, and a good bath and pampering day is always something that can improve a mood!

College again tommorow.

Looking forward to afterwards when I can buy this dress AGAIN.

Such a shame I had to take it back today.

I love it, just hoping my green one doesn't play the same shitty trick!

The truth.

Bold those that apply to you.

I am a male.
I am a girl.
I am shorter than 5’4.
I think I’m ugly sometimes.
I have many scars.
I tan easily.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I am self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/I’ve had braces.
I wear glasses.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
I have more than 2 piercings.
I have piercing in places besides my ears.
I have freckles.
I’ve sworn at my parents.
I’ve run away from home.
I’ve been kicked out of the house.
I have a sibling less than one year old.

I want to have kids someday.



I’ve lost a child.
I’m in school.
I have a job.
I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
I almost always do/did my homework.
I’ve missed a week or more of school.
I failed more than 1 class last year.
I’ve stolen something from my job.
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I’ve peed from laughing.
I’ve snorted while laughing.
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
I’ve glued my hand to something.
I’ve had my pants rip in public.
I was born with a disease/impairment/disability.
I’ve gotten stitches/staples.
I’ve broken a bone.
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
I had a serious surgery.
I’ve had chicken pox.
I’ve had measles.
I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been to Canada.
I’ve been to Mexico.
I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
I’ve been to Japan.
I’ve celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
I’ve been to Europe.
I’ve been to Africa.
I’ve gotten lost in my city.
I’ve seen a shooting star.
I’ve wished on a shooting star.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
I’ve been to a casino.
I’ve been skydiving.
I’ve gone skinny dipping.
I’ve played spin the bottle.
I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
I’ve crashed a car.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a play.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I’ve seen the Northern lights.
I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
I’ve played chicken.
I’ve played a prank on someone.
I’ve ridden in a taxi.
I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
I’ve eaten sushi.
I’ve been snowboarding.
I’m single.
I’m in a relationship.
I’m engaged.
I’m married.
I’ve gone on a blind date.
I’ve been the dumped more than the dump
I miss someone right now.
I’ve gotten divorced.
I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
I am a cuddler.
I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve hugged a stranger.
I have kissed a stranger.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I’ve sneaked out of my house.
I have lied to my parents about where I am.
I’ve cheated while playing a game.
I’ve cheated on a test.
I’ve run a red light.
I’ve been suspended from school.
I’ve witnessed a crime.
I’ve been in a fist fight.
I’ve been arrested.
I regularly drink.
I’ve passed out from drinking.
I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
I’ve taken pain killers when I didn’t need them.
I’ve inhaled Nitrous.
I’ve done hard drugs.
I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
I shut others out when I’m depressed.
I’ve taken anti-depressants.
I have been anorexic or bulimic.
I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
I’ve woken up crying.
I’m afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.
I’ve seen someone die.
Someone close to me has committed suicide.
I’ve planned my own suicide.
I’ve attempted suicide.
I’ve written a eulogy for myself.
I own over 5 rap CDs.
I own an iPod or MP3 player.
I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga
I own multiple designer purses.
I own something from Hot Topic.
I own something from Pac Sun.
I collect comic books.
I own something from Gap.
I’ve been close to being homeless.
I’ve had someone close to me almost die.
I’ve been in more then one Near Death Experience
I have been accused of something that I never did.

I may be infatuated by others, but your the only person in the universe to hold my heart so close to yours.

Your the only person in the world to be able to play with my heart.

And your the only person who'll ever have the ability to bend and break my heart.

-Lily Hepburn.

It has been so long, but yet the mention of your name, actualy sickens me, and makes me need to vomit. Shame there were two of you with the same fucking name.

I used to like that name aswell.

Horrible fucker.

You think it's fun turning all my friends against me?

Drop fucking dead.

Disgusting

Nasty

FUCKNUT.

I wish I could blog. Shame about this spazzing out all the time! making me feel like I can't get thoughts down.

Had such an amazing day yesterday with 2 of my best friends.

Being with them always makes me feel like I have a purpose. Like there is something worth getting up for.

I thank you so much!

I pray to have the strength to handle everyday, to gain more strengths and become stronger with everyday battles. I will be strong enough to live and to love everyday of my life.

I pray for the strength to get through everyday of my life.

Today

I am quite happy.

My blogger is a Tool.

Anyone else agree?

Is your blogger also a tool?

Today I walked past the place you first picked me up.
The place I thought we would begin our 'friendship'.
All those horrible memories came flooding back.
The dirty, disgusting feelings.

Thank you.

Thank you for getting me at my weakest, dropping me and smashing me into tiny pieces.
Without you smashing me, She wouldn't have been able to glue me back together.
Glue, with glue so strong nothing can remain unfixed.

Thank you for making me a much stronger person, and realising how much of a horrible coward you are.

I wish you a VERY happy Existance.

No.
Please.
No.
Pills, Do NOT do this to me again.
I can't cope.
Please I don't want to lose control.
Please stop this.
Please help me.

Well done.

You did it again.

Let someone take over your life.

Stupid. Stupid girl.

Today, I was told it is the most selfish thing anyone can do.
It doesn't feel it.
Is it selfish to give everyone what they want?

Worthless.
Ugly.
Fat.
Grotesque.
insignificant.
Selfish.
Self centred.
Stupid.
Pathetic.
Worthless.
Worthless.
Worthless.
Worthless.
Worthless.
Worthless.

Define: Worthless?

Not Worth Air

Paraxotine.
Councilling.
Blood Tests.
What the hell for?

LPB

I don't care if it hurts,

I wanna have control.

I want a perfect body.

I want a perfect Soul.

I want you to notice,

When I'm not around.

Your So fucking special.

I wish I was special.

Dead Miss B.

I know your killing me.

But I need you more than ever.

I wrote this on a scrap piece of paper on the bus.

When did life become so physically exhausting? To the point where I no longer have the energy to go anything anymore other than breath?

I never felt more happier than I have in the last couple of days, for no reason. But I soon began to realise I have been living in a false reality for quite some time.

False Lily has as many problems as anyone, but she can deal with them, She's clever like that.

But the girl writing this lacks any kind of control over anything at all. There is no point to live, other than for this false reality That I pray Will be One day, but I know deep down it won't.

I tried to talk to my mum before. I'm so sick of the

"Your Only 19, what do you have to be depressed over?".

I feel back in my glass bubble caged away. The bubble that I can;t break. The buddle that is suffocating me.

D Is killing me.

Keep Strong

Yesterday you KNEW I was doing it.

How can you not hate me?

Why do you still love me?

Write.

Pretend you are her,

Pretend everything is perfect.

Pretend you are happy.

Pretend.

Pretend.

Pretend.

It's not until you feel absolutly exhausted and unable to move that you feel that it's worth it.

Look up to him.

He's thiin.

Be like him.

He used to be your idol...

be just like him <3


Spent the last 2 days lsitening to Fall out Boy and Panic! at the disco.

It's made me feel about 15 again.

When life was simple.

I am 15 inside now.

I love it, please don't take me from this.

I love live this second.

When I was 15 I was sad, but I knew I wanted to get better.

I hadn't lost hope.

I still had it.

I still want it.

Look up to him.

He's thiin.

Be like him.

He used to be your idol...

be just like him <3


Spent the last 2 days lsitening to Fall out Boy and Panic! at the disco.

It's made me feel about 15 again.

When life was simple.

I am 15 inside now.

I love it, please don't take me from this.

I love live this second.

When I was 15 I was sad, but I knew I wanted to get better.

I hadn't lost hope.

I still had it.

I still want it.

I don't care who reads anymore.

I love the ache's I get.

the Nausia.

the dizzyness.

the feeling of total exhaustion.

The feeling like I could just collapse.

I'm fat.

I'm ugly.

I'm horrible.

I don't need help.

I'm not thin.

Are you just here to destroy my life?

You and your friend.

Worming your way back INTO my life.

Fuck off the pair of you.

I hope you live in Misery.

You absolute fucking cunt.

First None depressive blog... Well.. kind of.

Gutted I can't **** *** With these wires on my head!

Feel Like I'm being watched!

Heartache

Sometimes I have heartache.

I have it alot.

I have it now.

But I come to think, I've experience heartbreak.

I came through the other end.

If I can come out of that, I can come out of this.

I am strong.

It's still only January.

Still a good excuse to put the last year behind me.

Such a rubbish year.

This isn;t fair anymore.

I can't handle these wires either.

Very stressful.

Room to tidy up aswell.

Hospital again tommorow.

Town tommorow hopefully...

Or possibly thursday.

Most Boring Blog Ever.

I can't handle it.I can't stop crying.I've been fine..not fine...I've been able to keep partially okay. No. Please stop.This is too horrible.I just want people to care, I want people to know the pain I feel and just tell me they will be there. Please, This isn't fair anymore.I can't do it.I'm alone.No one wants to know me.No future.No Friends.No actual Meaning at all.

Pointless

Everything is pretty pointless.

Breathing.

Walking.

Talking.

Living.

No one notices.

Your nothing special.

it's been lies told for years.

Just wanting to be special.

He doesn't care.

It's going no were.

please, I need to keep going, I can't do this forever. I can't stop, I need to carry on.

"Warrior Woman"

So yet again there is a NEW body shape that is now more superior than others.
Now 'Athletic' is in.
It USED to be 'thin' then it was 'Curves' or is it vice versa?
Who gives the Media the right to tell us what size to be and how to look?
Are we meant to be Size 0 or Size 16?
No wonder so many People suffer from Eating disorders such as Anorexia and Bullimia.
The Media is full of Bullshit.
Confidence Needs to be Promoted, NOT a perfect body shape.
No one has a perfect body shape, I'm pretty sure there are parts of 'perfect body' lady Rhianna has parts of her she hates.
Let's promote Confidence!

Keep strong for another day. It can work. Just keep strong.
You promised yourself one day a week.
Christmas though.
You did enough.
Beside's HE'D Be happier.
He'll only pay attention to someone who's beautiful.
Make yourself beautiful.
I feel guilty because your say by me right now.
So guilty.
I'm just happy your asleep.

Blog of 2011

Job. (Hopefully At Primark)
Start the Gym.
Meet new people.
Get my life Sorted